Accept Differences

Wouldn’t it be great if the whole lot of us made great decisions? 

I get so frustrated of women and men friends who base their opinions of people on what stage of life they’re in, yet wonder why they cant find a partner. Okay, if the person is doing nothing and clearly not trying to make the effort, or comfortable/complacent in their tough spot, I understand that. But, have a little empathy when it come to those who ARE trying to improve their lifestyle, would you?

Why would you leave a man or woman who is going back to school? Clearly, that person is trying to better himself/herself. You can’t call everyone lazy simply because they aren’t at the same stage of life as you are, or because you owned your first house at 26 and he/she is 30 and still rents. Come on! Some of you are so picky, it’s no wonder you can’t find a partner.

Perhaps you had advantages that they didn’t, maybe you matured faster, have a better sense of money mangement, or maybe everyone in your family does really well. Just because you were fortunate enough to make better decisions or have better advantages does not mean that you can judge that person. This is what I see: women and men who have skipped a lot of hurdles,saying, “I did it, why couldn’t they?”

Here’s a bit of info for you: There are people who fight battles every day that you’re fortunate enough not to have experienced.Everyone does not have the same mental strength at the same time, the same finances at the same time, the same luck at the same time, the same guidance, the same education, the same support, or even the same resources. Even had another person the same age as you lived their life making the same decisions you did & at the same time, you STILL would not step out into the same street. The hurdles you have to jump will be different than the hurdles the other has to jump. The obstacles in your path, different from the obstacles in the other person’s path. And just because you’re a few steps ahead financially does not mean you’re a few steps ahead mentally. And if you are ahead in both areas, then you have the advantage of teaching, loving, supporting, and encouraging someone else, and learning from them.

If you’ve been around the world, and experienced everything, then show the person who hasn’t made it there yet what they’ve been missing! Show them the beauty you’ve seen and share your stories and experiences. Allow them to share their own with you; it’s amazing the amount of beauty and strengths and talents and brilliance that sleeps quietly within the most unlikely souls.Wake it up! And what better person is there to introduce your world to, than a person who has not yet discovered it! The people you turn your back on without ever really getting to know them or giving them a chance due to whatever you imagine them to be, are usually the people who will admire you the most, and love you the hardest. On the other hand,people who know your world, might not be all that impressed with what you have to bring to the table. Think on that.

Keep in mind: This does not apply to males or females who are NOT WILLING AND TRYING  to make an effort in their OWN lives. Lazy people WILL take whatever you have to show them for granted and more often than not, fall more in love with your world than you, and you’ll end up getting hurt/used. Be careful/use good judgement.

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When is the wrong time to talk about problems in the relationship?

This is one of those common sense things if you think about it.

1.You’re driving down the highway at night with your partner, now is not the time to discuss a heavy issue. It distracts the driver’s attention from the road. The last thing you want is to be in a car accident because you just couldn’t wait to jump down your partner’s throat. Common sense. 

2. Your partner is preparing for work in the morning. Now is not the time to bring up or discuss disagreements or relationship issues. You don’t know what stressors he or she might already have at work/on the job, especially if it is a dangerous job. Your partner has to leave personal problems at the door, which means that he or she needs to be able to focus on their day’s work in order to be effective on the job. This type of inappropriate timing can also cause your partner to be withdrawn at work, unfocused, have hours of anxiety or nervousness, and if this is something they normally have to go through before work, they may began to take situations at work too personal or start to feel like not just you, but EVERYONE(coworkers/boss) is “out to get them” so to speak. You don’t want your partner to get fired. Especially, if you are unemployed.

3. First thing in the morning. Absolutely not. My grandmother used to tell my siblings and I when we’d wake up arguing with eachother, that your first words when you get up should be “Good morning”.

Some people don’t allow a person the time it takes to shower, brush their teeth, have coffee,breakfast, a cigarette, or even the time it takes to rub the sleep out of your eyes before they are nagging. If you do this, believe me, you are at high risk of your partner dreading waking up with you. The morning is the start of a new day. Starting it off on the wrong foot could ruin the entire day before it even gets started.

4. On an important phone call: your partner is on the phone and this is you: “I don’t care, I’m talking to you and I come first!”- no, if he or she is on the phone with their boss, lawyer, doctor, etc., you don’t come first. Don’t be childish! Just think how embarrassing it must be for your partner to know that the listener on the phone heard you in the background nagging or yelling. Not to mention that person now knows your business because you couldn’t be quiet and simply wait a few minutes.

5. Birthdays/Christmas/Thanksgiving- hold off on talking about problems and try to acknowledge the things that you’re both actually happy with.

6. In front of company/friends/family gatherings– NEVER talk down to your partner in front of any one. If you have an issue, pull he or she to the side and discuss it in private, go somewhere away from an audience, leave the party or restaurant, wait until company leaves, but never humiliate/embarrass/emasculate your partner.

7. He or she is already pissed and/or hurt. Signs of being extremely pissed: yelling/raising voice, not talking at all, slamming things,isolating him/herself(going into the bedroom or bathroom and closing the door either to lay in bed in darkness or sit on toilet seat for long period of time), and/or crying. Common sense. Do not pick this time to start in on that person about something else. You become a 2nd stressor, in addition to the one they already have. It also shows that you are selfish. You are so focused on your own desire to confront your partner, that you don’t care/consider how he or she might already be feeling. This can lead to disaster quickly if you don’t pay attention to or take into consideration when and how you approach your partner about an issue.

8.vacations in which the goal would be relaxation

9. When your partner attempts to do something nice for you.

10. When the issue is old and no longer relevant (leave it be!) IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE RESOLVED THIS ISSUE IN THE PAST, IT’S NO LONGER AN ISSUE. IF IT’S SOMETHING YOU CAN’T GET OVER OR FORGIVE, OR THAT THEY CONTINUE TO DO, THEN LEAVE. BRINGING IT UP 100 TIMES, WILL NOT CHANGE ANYTHING.

The most essential ingredient   of any long-lasting healthy relationship is RESPECT. So, if you want to bring up a topic that might not be full of butterflies and rainbows-then you need to watch out for:

1. TONE OF VOICE

2. CHOICE OF WORDS

3.SURROUNDINGS

4.PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES

5.BODY POSTURE

6.SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER IS ALREADY STRESSED/UPSET.

7. TIMING

Being a stressor can cause most of your relationships to dry up quickly or end badly;

1.)He/She dreads being around you for fear of having flaws pointed out, being nagged, or always being confronted about this or that.

2.) He/She is not as interested in spending as much time with you as they used to be

3.) He/She jumps at any chance to leave your side

4.)He/She has started sleeping in a separate room or living room rather than in bed with you

5.) Partner loses interest in activities normally done together

6.)partner starts to feel unappreciated

7.)partner starts to feel as though he/She can do nothing right

8.) Partner turns to drugs or alcohol to numb emotion, depression, hurt feelings

9.) Partner starts to seek out others for normal stress-free companionship/conversation 

10.) Partner withdraws from you

11.)your partner becomes less attracted to you

12.)partner is drained of their self-confidence or starts to feel insecure

13.)Partner becomes hesitant or disinterested in sex with you

14.)depression/suicide (hopefully not)

15.) Partner describes being around you as “walking on eggshells”

Take into consideration that when a person has a stressor at every which way they turn, they will seek relief in NON-stressors, looking for some sense of peace,escape, happiness, etc.Non-stressors will become more apparent, more obvious, more desired whether the NON-stressors are negative or positive. For example, here are a few NON-STRESSORS: 

-people who notice good things about them

-The female co-worker who always smiles and says “Good morning,John! How are you? Did you enjoy your day off?”

-The male co-worker at work who always notices how hard she works, compliments her new hairstyles and says, “Hey, I bet I can make you laugh, Kim. Listen to this joke! So, a priest walks into a bar, buys a beer-“

THE BEST TIME TO BRING UP AN ISSUE, IS AFTER THE ISSUE HAS HAPPENED. NOT THE NEXT DAY, NOT THE DAY AFTER. NOT AFTER YOU HAVE ALREADY RESOLVED THE ISSUE. SOLVE IT, DON’T DWELL ON IT, AND DON’T CYCLE AROUND INTO OTHER PAST ISSUES. GET THE RELEVANT ISSUE OUT OF THE WAY, FIND A SOLUTION, FORGIVE, AND BE DONE WITH IT, OR MOVE ON IF YOU CAN NOT RESOLVE IT.

Tip: Be the reason your partner is SMILING when he/She leaves your presence, and the reason he/She smiles when they return to your presence and vice versa.Be the highlight of your partner’s day.

Getting along with your ex guy’s new womanย 

Is this something you have to do? Well, you don’t have to do anything, but sometimes it shows a higher level of maturity and self-confidence when you are willing to work with your ex guy’s new gf or wife, for the sake of the kids between you.

Don’t be bitter. If he has a kid with her, and a kid with you, it wouldn’t be so bad for the two of you to connect on birthdays, special occasions and holidays. The kids are siblings and they always will be no matter whatever grudge or dislike you and she might hold against each other. The children should be bigger than the two of you in that sense.

So many kids have grown up feeling lonely, with a small bit of friends, or friends who are bad influences, never knowing, meeting, or establishing a relationship with their sibling( from another mother) until they are well into adulthood. Kids need to know their siblings and be able to form a bond with them before they end up with an estranged siblingship or even worse-hating each other.

If you and the ex have moved on with your lives, then there are not many reasons why you shouldn’t, or she shouldn’t, be able to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, how about we schedule a playdate or a sleepover for Hayden and Tyler?” Or, “Hi! I was just thinking that it would be great to have Allison at Mikie’s birthday party on Saturday.” 

No one is saying that you need to be best girlfriends and hang out all the time, just that you and she should push any feelings of animosity away and set your differences to the side, in order to establish a positive and effective means of communication between the two of you, for the sake of the kids.

It makes it easier for everyone if you can do this. The family becomes more functional because now you have the parents working together. It also sets a positive example for the kids.

Heaven forbid, you might even become friends! Lol gross, right?.๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ‘ฟ๐Ÿ˜

If you are considering abortion…

This is one of the most debated subjects, and I remain pro-choice. I know this might piss some people off, but if you have never been in such a position or if you are a member of certain religions, it’s hard to view things from another person’s standpoint. I think that often times people are so focused on and turned off by the abortion  procedure that they forget to look at the reasons leading to a woman’s considering to have it.

I think a large fraction of people imagine women only want abortions because they either aren’t ready for a baby, or another baby;they still want to have fun and a baby will slow them down; a baby will interfere with their career moves; guy didn’t stick around,etc. And yes, some women do want abortions for those reasons, and that’s not for me to say they are wrong. But here are the reasons behind abortion that I care most about and I think many  women fail to consider.

1. If a twelve or thirteen year-old girl gets raped(let’s say by her father or brother, or maybe a man with AIDS), are we, as human beings, really okay with allowing this girl, this BABY, to go through 9 months of pregnancy and then force her to also go through an adoption process when her OWN mind and body has not even fully developed? Are we going to force her to keep the baby against her will? This is another form of abortion. It’s like killing one baby in exchange for the life of the fetus forming inside of her. 

Imagine SHE is YOUR DAUGHTER. This happened to YOUR BABY, YOUR CHILD. Can you still say that abortion is not necessary and will never be? Even If you are religious, an abortion is a sin/evil/to kill a child is a sin, yes…but, when we make these kind of decisions and take the the child’s right to decide what happens to her own body(as the rapist already did once) are we not killing the child? Are we not killing the little girl?

2. Teenage girls who were not victims of rape- are still the babies we aren’t thinking about. And I hear people call young sexually active girls “fast”, or “loose”. I will say in their defense, that in most of these cases of young girls having sex, that not every girl has the same guidance at home, even if they did, not every girl has the same mental strength, crowd of influences, or levels of peer preasure. And over the years teen sex has become more common than it was when we were younger, so just because your daughter isn’t showing visible signs of it, or has not become pregnant does not mean she isn’t or hasn’t had sex. Either way, she is too young to be a mother, wouldn’t you agree? A baby pregnant with a baby.

3.)Statutory rape

4.) If you are a man, why are you protesting even? Yes, of course you’re free to share your opinion just like everyone else, however, being that you have no idea how it feels to be pregnant, carry a baby, go through childbirth, be a single mother at a young age, etc, this is one you should let the sex with the experience decide. If you’re so against abortion, then get a vasectomy. 

I see all these women holding signs and protesting against abortion, which I have to agree, abortion is an ugly thing. Although, I doubt even half of them have ever been the pregnant victim of rape, etc. An outstanding number of women who are unable to or who do not have kids are against abortion… And amazingly, women who have little girls of their own.  Not to offend or insult any one, but I am speaking with love in my heart,and I have a daughter. With the risks that little girls, teenage girls, and adult women face simply walking down a dark street(sometimes broad daylight) to get home,etc- I am not willing to add to that danger, by saying that we should live in an abortion-free world. I can only hope and try my best to keep my daughter safe and protected from dangerous elements outside of home, but things happen that are beyond our control no matter how much control we THINK we have, whether we choose to accept that or not,it’s the reality of the world we live in. I believe women should have a choice. No one should be able to choose what happens to someone else’s body. Just as the doctors who perform abortions are accused of “playing god”,(albeit, they PERFORM these procedures- they DO NOT force any one to have them done or make the choice for them) aren’t you also playing God when you say it is okay to kill the child to save the developing fetus? Are you not also “playing God” when you try to control someone else’s body like the doctors you disagree with or even despise for what you say is that very same thing? To put it plainly, this is a double-edged sword.

*For women who are considering abortion and torn between what they should do, or who are clueless as to “the right thing to do”… there is no “right” thing here. Make the decision that you feel is NECESSARY or BEST for YOU. You alone, not those judging, will have to live with whatever decision you choose, and both respectively have their pros and cons. You can start by asking yourself-

1.) Are YOU mentally, financially, and physically ready to take on a baby? Do you feel like this is the best decision you can make at this time, all personal factors considered?
2.) Are YOU mentally and physically ready to go through with an abortion? Do you feel like this is the best decision you can make at this time, all personal factors considered? 

These are two very difficult choices to have to make… I can’t imagine trying to make it for someone else.

Some might say, to avoid this situation “abstain or just do not have sex!”- which is not realistic. In a perfect world everyone would make the right decisions, but unfortunately….Most humans are never going to “not have sex”, just like we are never going to stop eating, falling asleep, or using the restroom. This is not a perfect world…Obviously. 

Black Women and Struggle Love-Is it worth it?

Earlier, I was reading some very interesting viewpoints about this and so I thought I might as well write my take on it.

I wanted to first differentiate between going through a “struggle together” and “Struggle Love” because I think many black women might be confusing the two; and not knowing the difference can be damaging.

*NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO OUR QUALITY BLACK MEN.

STRUGGLING TOGETHER- When you are in a relationship in which both of you are either working or going to school, taking care of responsibilities and obligations as best as you can, saving money, budgeting and/or buying&living cheaper and within your means in order to be able to save,making goals and going after your ambitions, learning together, teaching eachother, working together and making positive & effective moves in order to improve your lifestyle. If this is what you are doing, inevitably your lifestyle will improve. Example: You work days as a cashier and you go to school at night, he works nights as a stocking goods in a store and goes to school during the day. The both of you are looking to get your degrees and better-paying jobs/careers. You share and discuss your goals, support & motivate each other.

B.) Sticking by someone who is actively making and meeting realistic short term and long term goals and/or making positive effective moves, who might live and buy cheaply during this time in order to save money and get where he needs to be financially or careerwise. (Example: He lives in a one-bedroom apartment and has a shabby car, dresses cheap,while he’s going to school for a degree in the medical field.)

Struggle Love- Being in love with and/or sticking by a man even though he has nothing to offer you and most likely will not have anything to offer you in the future; because you believe that it won’t always be that way (you believe in him) and you believe that as a black woman you should stick by your black man no matter what.

– includes blindness to the fact that this man either sets goals he does NOT meet, or has not bothered to set any at all. He has little to no education and little to no interest in going back to school to gain better employment. He lacks drive amd ambition(wanting to become a famous rapper does not count towards ambition because it is not a realistic “within-grasp” career/ goal), he lacks basic life skills, and does not make any positive effective moves that might aid him in supporting himself and/or his family(selling drugs does not count as a positive effective move because the outcome might eventually be his incarceration which would be a setback) Example: He has worked at Burger King for the last 6-8 months or has no job at all, struggling to pay bills or flat out not paying them at all, believing that one day things will get better without actually putting in the effort to MAKE them better.(You might argue that, “at least he has a job!๐Ÿ˜ฒ”-๐Ÿ˜ชand I would argue that, if he is unable to support you, his kids and/or a family on the minimum wage income provided by most fast food restaurants, then it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH). Some of these guys are in their late twenties all the way to late 30’s in age. Thats too damn old and embarrassing when your manager is 17 years old.๐Ÿ˜’This type of guy usually lives from pillar to post, with family,friends, baby mama, etc.-burns bridge after bridge, and seeks out women he can be dependent on or who will “carry” him without him having to do anything, but make her feel loved and give her attention.(women who are overly nice and too deeply understanding of everything in their desperation to have a man;she will damn near justify the loser’s excuse for not having anything FOR himself, due to low self-esteem,etc.)

Example 2 of Struggle Love: He sells drugs, and has little to no job experience, or is incapable of holding a job-disinterested in education, yet you continue believe in him when all evidence points to a shitty future.๐Ÿš”๐Ÿš

Example 3: and/ or….add to the equation- children by different women he was not married to “baby mamas” and maybe you help pay his child support, because “She takes all his money”;His life is an unorganized, dysfunctional mess of unpaid bills,and neglected responsibilities, none of which stop him from hanging out with friends, partying, or buying weed or something else useless.

Example 4: and/or…add to the equation that he has been in and out of jail or prison. How many times in the last 3-5 years? How many times was it for damn near the same thing?๐Ÿ™ˆ

What your life might look like right now: Laying down in bed all day,and watching Netflix because you can’t afford to go out, rather than trying to improve your financial status, in a state of false marital bliss, thinking money doesn’t matter because you still have each other๐Ÿ‘ฅ (laid up wasting time).๐Ÿš๐Ÿ›โŒ›โšฐ

-putting money on his books; buying everything; needing to use government assistance forever… unless you make it on your own.๐Ÿš”

The two are different because the goal of struggling is to improve your life๐Ÿš๐Ÿ , to eventually be able to live a better quality lifestyle๐Ÿ–๐Ÿš˜๐Ÿ›ณ๐Ÿ›ซ. You inevitably get to the point that you no longer have to struggle.

 You don’t make a “choice” to struggle FOR or WITH someone just for the sake of struggling.๐Ÿ˜‚ When you are really struggling for financial stability- you are doing everything in your power to END that struggle. You are working to get somewhere, not to live check to check and then use your income taxes to ball out๐Ÿ‘ก๐Ÿ‘ ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ‘œ๐Ÿ’„๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ›๐Ÿ‘‘๐Ÿ‘— and look good once a year. You don’t spend money you don’t have going out๐ŸŽ‰or on random bullshit๐Ÿ“ฒ๐Ÿ“ฑ๐Ÿ”ซ๐Ÿ’Š, instead you use it for school, bills, kids, etc., but regularly buying new shoes,Jordans,fitted hats, hair weaves, and outfits for the club, is not struggling, that’s fucking off your time and money. Laziness. Going nowhere.

I realize this might anger some black women, and also that many black guys who fit the Struggle Love description may feel that any woman who does not accept a man for how little he has to offer her is a “gold-digger”๐Ÿ˜ข(What is the man who ACCEPTS that he can do nothing for a woman or a child or both, but enters relationships and produces childen he cannot afford anyway called?)๐Ÿค, but, this needs to be said until more black women understand it.๐Ÿ‘“

-There are the black men that try to make you feel bad about wanting more than what they have to offer you.โœ‹Don’t fall for that. They are mad because they don’t meet the requirements of a father or husband๐Ÿค” nor do they have the potential,but they STILL FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD GET THE WOMEN.๐Ÿ™‹Believe me, if he had money and a beautiful woman was impressed by it or interested in him because he was doing well, the story would be much different. These same brothers preaching this will luck up and hit the powerball, then turn around and cheat on or leave the woman who was by his side when he didn’t have anything๐Ÿ‘€simply because women he thinks are better-looking or more interesting want him now.๐Ÿ‘ So, I would say “struggle love” is NOT WORTH IT.  The next time that kind of black man calls you a gold digger for not wanting him, explain to him that it’s not because you are a gold-digger, it’s because you are a woman, who might want a husband and children one day, or already have a kid(s)and that it just so happens that HE IS NOT SET UP TO BE A HUSBAND OR A FATHER. And you’re not about to SET YOURSELF UP TO BE HIS “BABY MAMA”. Plain and simple.๐Ÿ‘Œ

We can not wait on these type of black men to grow up because their ENTIRE mentality has to change. 

As adult women out here having babies we have to shake off the belief that we have to have a black man, and that we have to accept that black man for whatever type of man he may be. Cooking and cleaning and riding and willing to die a million times for a damn bum.๐Ÿ˜ข

We need to be pickier and either get some standards…or not abandon them whenever a man tells us he loves us…and this is something we have to do FOR our babies. Choosing the man you have kids with should be MORE important than choosing the outfit you’re going to wear out to a nice restaurant or club. You put so much thought,time and effort into the type of hairstyle you’ll wear, choosing the shoes you’ll wear with the right dress-but, then settle so easily when it comes to the person you take as serious relationship material. Apparently, not understanding that your baby will have this person as his/her first role model, advisor, teacher, protector,etc., for 18+ years! 

I hear so many black women saying there are NO good men available-having never dated outside of their race even once, whereas black men do it all the time. So WHY WHY WHY do you feel the need to be so dedicated to a man simply because he is the same race as you? Do you realize that many black women have found happiness with men outside of their race? Look around and open your mind. There are plenty of good men available, you just don’t notice them because you are too busy looking at men you think are SUPPOSED to want you because the shade of his skin matches yours. And this is just not so. If you want any type of change to happen in your life, you must first stop being afraid of or opposed to, anything different.

You are not a gold-digger for having standards. It means that you have good self-esteem, you care about yourself, your future, and the future of any kids you have or might have. I hear women say, “I’m a mother first.”- well, think about that when you choose a man your child might likely imitate one day. I rather sleep alone with my standards  than curl up with a man who can’t do anything but fuck me…and probably not that good.

How is he going to teach a son the importance of education when he does not care to educate himself? How is he going to teach a son how to treat or take care of a woman/family, or a daughter what kind of man to have, when he can not take care of you, and doesn’t meet the qualifications his daughter should accept for herself one day? The cycle will continue, as it usually does in situations like this. Your daughter will accept into her life what she saw you accept, and she will struggle most, if not all of her life the way you did, because she felt obligated to a man with no obligations. Your son will grow up with no idea how to be a man, much less a provider and he’ll screw up time and time again and be dependent on women or drifting from place to place with no purpose, believing things will work themselves out or it’ll “be okay”-or stay in and out of jail depending on what he’s learning at home. I guess when teaching our daughters that “if you love someone you accept them for who they are as a person”, we should make it clear also, that if that “person” happens to be lazy, with no goals, ambition, or future potential then they should run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.

Every time you enter into a new relationship you are putting part of your physical,emotional, and spiritual self in someone else’s hands. Entrusting them with it. If he is not serious about himself/his own life, what on earth makes you think this man is going to take you seriously? If he has played through and with his life, he will play through and with yours. And it will end in disaster for YOU. You’ll be emotionally destroyed.Him? He’ll just end up with another woman and another baby.

Ladies, if you can not find a worthy black man, try dating outside of your race.Just saying. Life gets a lot easier and a lot less stressful when you explore what’s out there. Don’t let feeling sorry for a brother have you feeling sorry for yourself for giving him a chance later. You have to start understanding that whatever decisions he is making, put him in the position to have nothing he can give you or any other woman or child. Not your fault. If he is still a boy (does nothing but smoke weed, fuck off time and work a minimum wage job) no matter how much he may love you, if he is not working on his future, he will not have one and you do not want to be in the passenger seat of that car on an endless ride to nowhere. Especially, with kids in the backseat. Just saying.



Duty Sex

Okay, so a friend of mine told how when she was with her ex-husband, she always felt as though she had to have “duty sex”-during which she pretended to enjoy the sex with him, giving it to him any time that he wanted it to keep him from cheating or becoming interested in another woman. She felt that it was her responsibility as a woman to be there to please him.She was married to this guy, bless his heart, for 6 years and two kiddies…..

So, I have to give her applause because I certainly could not have faked it for that long. But, the silly side of this is that, who has that much time to put into being sexually frustrated? It was not because she was not attracted to him, the sex was just boring and “he wasn’t doing it right”. I asked her why they didn’t do anything to spice up the relationship and she told me that it was as romantic as it could get…As romantic as it could get…and I’m just there like…

Ladies, sorry to break it to you, but everything isn’t about roses and  romance. Sometimes you’re going to have to be a bit of whore to make it fun. I can’t say I blame either one of them for their naive thinking (both come from from very traditional and  religious families) and I’ve been trying to get her to discover her wild side for decades. Never worked.๐Ÿ˜‚

No couple should be having duty sex, especially if there is still sexual attraction between the two. Not when there are ways you’ve probably never even thought of trying! So, what to do when the flame under the bed goes out? For one, you should teach your partner how to touch your body and what you like. You have to understand, neither of you are a virgin, you’ve both been with other people and those people were different and liked different things. So, you always have to learn a new person (If you’re playing for keeps). Just because Mike liked you to tickle his nuts and squeeze them hard, does not mean Keith will like that,too. It might hurt or irritate Keith. Keith might  prefer you to kiss his nuts and lick them. Just because Sheila liked for you to do jumping Jacks while screwing her from the back, does not mean that you can do the same thing to Amy. Amy might enjoy being the dominant one. Get it? Okay. You can never assume because this person or that person liked the way you touched them, that you can just screw everyone the same way. No. You’ll end up getting lied to a lot. The best way to know and feel like you know what you’re doing, is to learn your partner.  You can not go wrong after you have mastered each other’s bodies. Here are some things I would keep in mind:

1.) Oral sex can be performed in many ways. See which way your partner reacts best to. Allow them to tell you how it feels, and direct you. Then switch places. 

2.) Kissing can be done in different ways, too. Try them all out.

3.) There is nothing wrong with sex toys, but there are other things at the adult stores that might interest you as well.

4.) Try out different positions. Create a few.

5.)Spencer’s and other adult stores have tons of fun sex games that you can play with your partner. Check them out and try each picking a game of your choice, and then choosing one together. Grab some alcoholic beverages on the way home if you need to.

6.) If the kids are around too much for you to have enough intimate time, plan a weekend with just the two of you and get the grandparents or another family member or friend to watch the kiddies for day or two. Make time.

7.)Roleplay. Nothing wrong with  being a patient and going to go see your “gynecologist”.๐Ÿ˜Ž

8.) Nothing wrong with a little bondage or spanking either. Be a little naughty. Dress a little sexier. Don’t come to bed in your typical nightwear unless your typical nightwear is sexy, and even then…where a mask or something for fun! You might laugh, but you’d be surprised.

9.) Record yourselves on video. There is some thing about watching yourself on camera that keeps the action going.

10.) Have a strip pole installed and learn some new moves. Be your man’s pole dancer and private stripper. To add effect, purchase the lights, the right music, etc. (I would recommend trying this in the mirror first or going to have lessons so that you don’t look clumsy and you have time to get used to the pole. And if you have stripper girlfriends, now is the time to call them over for a little guidance, while he’s out!(Ladies)

11.) Be patient. No one likes a person who is rushing them or moving too fast. Go with the flow of the moment or things might just get awkward and you’ll both end up losing interest. Remember: you’re supposed to be having fun!

Whether you’re laughing or moaning, or both, the important part is that you’re both learning and getting a closer, stronger bond while youre during this. Remember, at the beginning when you were just getting to know each other and the sparks were flying? Try and get back there. If you’re having duty sex, it does not have to be a duty. Explore each other and have fun. Be naughty, be dirty, have sex on the floor or in the laundry room! Have it outside! Don’t be afraid, uptight, or so morally perfect that you can’t have fun and enjoy your partner. Or yourself.

*If you feel the sex is a duty, then chances are likely that your partner can feel that, too, no matter how much you moan or compliment. If your partner realizes that you’re NOT really as excited about the sex as they are, they might lose interest any way. 

*Be honest right away about your likes and dislikes in the bed. Waiting years later might both hurt and embarrass your partner if they find out they haven’t been pleasing you as much as they thought they were the entire time. If you look like you’re enjoying it, your partner is going to assume that you do, and keep doing the same things that he/she thinks you like.



Cheating Back-good for a man, bad for a female?

Today, some idiot posted that if a woman cheats to get back at a man, then she is a whore.

First, what is it that makes her more wrong than you? Do you really think that because you have a penis, you can sleep with as many people as you want, break as many hearts as you want, while expecting women to be good and loyal to you.Ugh.

Men like this sicken me. If you cheat, and she cheated back, you got exactly what you deserved. One thing about a man like this, he will never understand the way he hurt you or made you feel by your simply telling him or crying about it. If you sit there and complain and cry about it, but you don’t leave him or do anything about it, the chances are that he will cheat again because he knows  you will not do anything, but cry, then forgive him. On the other hand, if you cheat on him in retaliation, he is less likely to cheat on you  because he knows he will get the same thing back. He also now knows how it feels himself. Men like this have sympathy, not empathy. They don’t get where you’re coming from unless you show them, and let them feel it for themselves. And you’re no more a whore (“hoe”) than he was when he did it.

If you want to get right down to it, no man or woman should hurt anyone, especially not the person they are supposed to love, care about, and want to be with.

–  Why enter someone’s life at all, if your intentions are not positive?

– It makes no difference if you’re a man or a woman, getting lied to and/or cheated on feels the same. 

-Some men really believe that women don’t have the same sexual urges or needs as them. We do.

-It doesn’t make a woman a whore, it makes her just as human, vulnerable to emotion, fallible as you were.

-Many men are out there who say, “I cheated, and my woman forgave me so many times and never cheated back or even brought it up.”( Let’s be real for a minute, and think about how that sounds). It’s actually more likely that she cheated on you and never admitted to it or got caught, which is why you were so easily forgiven after doing it to her more than once. It is much easier to forgive someone when  you are on an even playing field. But, women who stay in that same relationship without cheating, actually do NOT forgive easily, even if they say they have. From the moment she found out what you did, the trust was completely destroyed.

-Would you keep forgiving a woman who continuously cheated on you? Would you remain loyal and trusting? This is common sense stuff and it has nothing to do with whether you have a penis or a vagina. 

If you can’t forgive and you don’t cheat, then you have to leave. It will be hell for the two of you if you don’t. Every move he makes,being late, etc., you will wonder if he is lying to you. You’ll wonder if he is thinking about her when he’s having sex with you. You’ll wonder if he loves you. You’ll bring it up again, and the arguments will grow stronger and last longer.

FORGIVE- TO STOP FEELING ANGER TOWARDS SOMEONE WHO HAS DONE SOME THING WRONG;TO STOP BLAMING SOMEONE; TO GIVE UP RESENTMENT OF SOMEONE;TO GRANT SOMEONE RELIEF OF BLAME FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE; TO HARBOR NO ANIMOSITY TOWARDS OR  FOR ANOTHER WHO HAS WRONGED YOU;TO PARDON SOMEONE’S MISTAKE OR TRESPASS; (when you tell him/her you forgive them, you’re saying that you will not bring it up again, or judge their future actions by their past mistakes, you won’t be suspicious or question them even in your mind,or that  your trust in them is restored.) Do you really forgive them after all? Really, in order for the relationship to last, you’re forgiveness should fit the above. If it does not, you should end it and leave because you can not have a healthy relationship without having trust as well.


If you leave him, he’ll be less likely to do it again, especially if he does not want to lose you. And by leave, I don’t mean go and spend the night at your mom’s house for a day or two then go back. I mean pack all your shit and go. I’m talking months; not answering the phone and letting him wonder what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with,  and where you are-even if you’re doing nothing. He’s likely to be ready to do right if and when you decide to forgive him. If you decide that you can’t, at least you had space and time to think about it, and you’ve already left the situation.Some people will wait up to ten more years, torn between still wanting to have the person who betrayed them and not trusting them, & going through a hellfire relationship before they realize they can’t forgive the person and finally decide to leave. And that’s sad.