Earlier, I was reading some very interesting viewpoints about this and so I thought I might as well write my take on it.
I wanted to first differentiate between going through a “struggle together” and “Struggle Love” because I think many black women might be confusing the two; and not knowing the difference can be damaging.
*NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO OUR QUALITY BLACK MEN.
STRUGGLING TOGETHER- When you are in a relationship in which both of you are either working or going to school, taking care of responsibilities and obligations as best as you can, saving money, budgeting and/or buying&living cheaper and within your means in order to be able to save,making goals and going after your ambitions, learning together, teaching eachother, working together and making positive & effective moves in order to improve your lifestyle. If this is what you are doing, inevitably your lifestyle will improve. Example: You work days as a cashier and you go to school at night, he works nights as a stocking goods in a store and goes to school during the day. The both of you are looking to get your degrees and better-paying jobs/careers. You share and discuss your goals, support & motivate each other.
B.) Sticking by someone who is actively making and meeting realistic short term and long term goals and/or making positive effective moves, who might live and buy cheaply during this time in order to save money and get where he needs to be financially or careerwise. (Example: He lives in a one-bedroom apartment and has a shabby car, dresses cheap,while he’s going to school for a degree in the medical field.)
Struggle Love- Being in love with and/or sticking by a man even though he has nothing to offer you and most likely will not have anything to offer you in the future; because you believe that it won’t always be that way (you believe in him) and you believe that as a black woman you should stick by your black man no matter what.
– includes blindness to the fact that this man either sets goals he does NOT meet, or has not bothered to set any at all. He has little to no education and little to no interest in going back to school to gain better employment. He lacks drive amd ambition(wanting to become a famous rapper does not count towards ambition because it is not a realistic “within-grasp” career/ goal), he lacks basic life skills, and does not make any positive effective moves that might aid him in supporting himself and/or his family(selling drugs does not count as a positive effective move because the outcome might eventually be his incarceration which would be a setback) Example: He has worked at Burger King for the last 6-8 months or has no job at all, struggling to pay bills or flat out not paying them at all, believing that one day things will get better without actually putting in the effort to MAKE them better.(You might argue that, “at least he has a job!😲”-😪and I would argue that, if he is unable to support you, his kids and/or a family on the minimum wage income provided by most fast food restaurants, then it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH). Some of these guys are in their late twenties all the way to late 30’s in age. Thats too damn old and embarrassing when your manager is 17 years old.😒This type of guy usually lives from pillar to post, with family,friends, baby mama, etc.-burns bridge after bridge, and seeks out women he can be dependent on or who will “carry” him without him having to do anything, but make her feel loved and give her attention.(women who are overly nice and too deeply understanding of everything in their desperation to have a man;she will damn near justify the loser’s excuse for not having anything FOR himself, due to low self-esteem,etc.)
Example 2 of Struggle Love: He sells drugs, and has little to no job experience, or is incapable of holding a job-disinterested in education, yet you continue believe in him when all evidence points to a shitty future.🚔🏚
Example 3: and/ or….add to the equation- children by different women he was not married to “baby mamas” and maybe you help pay his child support, because “She takes all his money”;His life is an unorganized, dysfunctional mess of unpaid bills,and neglected responsibilities, none of which stop him from hanging out with friends, partying, or buying weed or something else useless.
Example 4: and/or…add to the equation that he has been in and out of jail or prison. How many times in the last 3-5 years? How many times was it for damn near the same thing?🙈
What your life might look like right now: Laying down in bed all day,and watching Netflix because you can’t afford to go out, rather than trying to improve your financial status, in a state of false marital bliss, thinking money doesn’t matter because you still have each other👥 (laid up wasting time).🏚🛏⌛⚰
-putting money on his books; buying everything; needing to use government assistance forever… unless you make it on your own.🚔
The two are different because the goal of struggling is to improve your life🏚🏠, to eventually be able to live a better quality lifestyle🏖🚘🛳🛫. You inevitably get to the point that you no longer have to struggle.
You don’t make a “choice” to struggle FOR or WITH someone just for the sake of struggling.😂 When you are really struggling for financial stability- you are doing everything in your power to END that struggle. You are working to get somewhere, not to live check to check and then use your income taxes to ball out👡👠💍👜💄👝🛍👑👗 and look good once a year. You don’t spend money you don’t have going out🎉or on random bullshit📲📱🔫💊, instead you use it for school, bills, kids, etc., but regularly buying new shoes,Jordans,fitted hats, hair weaves, and outfits for the club, is not struggling, that’s fucking off your time and money. Laziness. Going nowhere.
I realize this might anger some black women, and also that many black guys who fit the Struggle Love description may feel that any woman who does not accept a man for how little he has to offer her is a “gold-digger”😢(What is the man who ACCEPTS that he can do nothing for a woman or a child or both, but enters relationships and produces childen he cannot afford anyway called?)🤐, but, this needs to be said until more black women understand it.👓
-There are the black men that try to make you feel bad about wanting more than what they have to offer you.✋Don’t fall for that. They are mad because they don’t meet the requirements of a father or husband🤔 nor do they have the potential,but they STILL FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD GET THE WOMEN.🙋Believe me, if he had money and a beautiful woman was impressed by it or interested in him because he was doing well, the story would be much different. These same brothers preaching this will luck up and hit the powerball, then turn around and cheat on or leave the woman who was by his side when he didn’t have anything👀simply because women he thinks are better-looking or more interesting want him now.👁 So, I would say “struggle love” is NOT WORTH IT. The next time that kind of black man calls you a gold digger for not wanting him, explain to him that it’s not because you are a gold-digger, it’s because you are a woman, who might want a husband and children one day, or already have a kid(s)and that it just so happens that HE IS NOT SET UP TO BE A HUSBAND OR A FATHER. And you’re not about to SET YOURSELF UP TO BE HIS “BABY MAMA”. Plain and simple.👌
We can not wait on these type of black men to grow up because their ENTIRE mentality has to change.
As adult women out here having babies we have to shake off the belief that we have to have a black man, and that we have to accept that black man for whatever type of man he may be. Cooking and cleaning and riding and willing to die a million times for a damn bum.😢
We need to be pickier and either get some standards…or not abandon them whenever a man tells us he loves us…and this is something we have to do FOR our babies. Choosing the man you have kids with should be MORE important than choosing the outfit you’re going to wear out to a nice restaurant or club. You put so much thought,time and effort into the type of hairstyle you’ll wear, choosing the shoes you’ll wear with the right dress-but, then settle so easily when it comes to the person you take as serious relationship material. Apparently, not understanding that your baby will have this person as his/her first role model, advisor, teacher, protector,etc., for 18+ years!
I hear so many black women saying there are NO good men available-having never dated outside of their race even once, whereas black men do it all the time. So WHY WHY WHY do you feel the need to be so dedicated to a man simply because he is the same race as you? Do you realize that many black women have found happiness with men outside of their race? Look around and open your mind. There are plenty of good men available, you just don’t notice them because you are too busy looking at men you think are SUPPOSED to want you because the shade of his skin matches yours. And this is just not so. If you want any type of change to happen in your life, you must first stop being afraid of or opposed to, anything different.
You are not a gold-digger for having standards. It means that you have good self-esteem, you care about yourself, your future, and the future of any kids you have or might have. I hear women say, “I’m a mother first.”- well, think about that when you choose a man your child might likely imitate one day. I rather sleep alone with my standards than curl up with a man who can’t do anything but fuck me…and probably not that good.
How is he going to teach a son the importance of education when he does not care to educate himself? How is he going to teach a son how to treat or take care of a woman/family, or a daughter what kind of man to have, when he can not take care of you, and doesn’t meet the qualifications his daughter should accept for herself one day? The cycle will continue, as it usually does in situations like this. Your daughter will accept into her life what she saw you accept, and she will struggle most, if not all of her life the way you did, because she felt obligated to a man with no obligations. Your son will grow up with no idea how to be a man, much less a provider and he’ll screw up time and time again and be dependent on women or drifting from place to place with no purpose, believing things will work themselves out or it’ll “be okay”-or stay in and out of jail depending on what he’s learning at home. I guess when teaching our daughters that “if you love someone you accept them for who they are as a person”, we should make it clear also, that if that “person” happens to be lazy, with no goals, ambition, or future potential then they should run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
Every time you enter into a new relationship you are putting part of your physical,emotional, and spiritual self in someone else’s hands. Entrusting them with it. If he is not serious about himself/his own life, what on earth makes you think this man is going to take you seriously? If he has played through and with his life, he will play through and with yours. And it will end in disaster for YOU. You’ll be emotionally destroyed.Him? He’ll just end up with another woman and another baby.
Ladies, if you can not find a worthy black man, try dating outside of your race.Just saying. Life gets a lot easier and a lot less stressful when you explore what’s out there. Don’t let feeling sorry for a brother have you feeling sorry for yourself for giving him a chance later. You have to start understanding that whatever decisions he is making, put him in the position to have nothing he can give you or any other woman or child. Not your fault. If he is still a boy (does nothing but smoke weed, fuck off time and work a minimum wage job) no matter how much he may love you, if he is not working on his future, he will not have one and you do not want to be in the passenger seat of that car on an endless ride to nowhere. Especially, with kids in the backseat. Just saying.