This is one of those common sense things if you think about it.
1.You’re driving down the highway at night with your partner, now is not the time to discuss a heavy issue. It distracts the driver’s attention from the road. The last thing you want is to be in a car accident because you just couldn’t wait to jump down your partner’s throat. Common sense.
2. Your partner is preparing for work in the morning. Now is not the time to bring up or discuss disagreements or relationship issues. You don’t know what stressors he or she might already have at work/on the job, especially if it is a dangerous job. Your partner has to leave personal problems at the door, which means that he or she needs to be able to focus on their day’s work in order to be effective on the job. This type of inappropriate timing can also cause your partner to be withdrawn at work, unfocused, have hours of anxiety or nervousness, and if this is something they normally have to go through before work, they may began to take situations at work too personal or start to feel like not just you, but EVERYONE(coworkers/boss) is “out to get them” so to speak. You don’t want your partner to get fired. Especially, if you are unemployed.
3. First thing in the morning. Absolutely not. My grandmother used to tell my siblings and I when we’d wake up arguing with eachother, that your first words when you get up should be “Good morning”.
Some people don’t allow a person the time it takes to shower, brush their teeth, have coffee,breakfast, a cigarette, or even the time it takes to rub the sleep out of your eyes before they are nagging. If you do this, believe me, you are at high risk of your partner dreading waking up with you. The morning is the start of a new day. Starting it off on the wrong foot could ruin the entire day before it even gets started.
4. On an important phone call: your partner is on the phone and this is you: “I don’t care, I’m talking to you and I come first!”- no, if he or she is on the phone with their boss, lawyer, doctor, etc., you don’t come first. Don’t be childish! Just think how embarrassing it must be for your partner to know that the listener on the phone heard you in the background nagging or yelling. Not to mention that person now knows your business because you couldn’t be quiet and simply wait a few minutes.
5. Birthdays/Christmas/Thanksgiving- hold off on talking about problems and try to acknowledge the things that you’re both actually happy with.
6. In front of company/friends/family gatherings– NEVER talk down to your partner in front of any one. If you have an issue, pull he or she to the side and discuss it in private, go somewhere away from an audience, leave the party or restaurant, wait until company leaves, but never humiliate/embarrass/emasculate your partner.
7. He or she is already pissed and/or hurt. Signs of being extremely pissed: yelling/raising voice, not talking at all, slamming things,isolating him/herself(going into the bedroom or bathroom and closing the door either to lay in bed in darkness or sit on toilet seat for long period of time), and/or crying. Common sense. Do not pick this time to start in on that person about something else. You become a 2nd stressor, in addition to the one they already have. It also shows that you are selfish. You are so focused on your own desire to confront your partner, that you don’t care/consider how he or she might already be feeling. This can lead to disaster quickly if you don’t pay attention to or take into consideration when and how you approach your partner about an issue.
8.vacations in which the goal would be relaxation
9. When your partner attempts to do something nice for you.
10. When the issue is old and no longer relevant (leave it be!) IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE RESOLVED THIS ISSUE IN THE PAST, IT’S NO LONGER AN ISSUE. IF IT’S SOMETHING YOU CAN’T GET OVER OR FORGIVE, OR THAT THEY CONTINUE TO DO, THEN LEAVE. BRINGING IT UP 100 TIMES, WILL NOT CHANGE ANYTHING.
The most essential ingredient of any long-lasting healthy relationship is RESPECT. So, if you want to bring up a topic that might not be full of butterflies and rainbows-then you need to watch out for:
1. TONE OF VOICE
2. CHOICE OF WORDS
6.SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER IS ALREADY STRESSED/UPSET.
Being a stressor can cause most of your relationships to dry up quickly or end badly;
1.)He/She dreads being around you for fear of having flaws pointed out, being nagged, or always being confronted about this or that.
2.) He/She is not as interested in spending as much time with you as they used to be
3.) He/She jumps at any chance to leave your side
4.)He/She has started sleeping in a separate room or living room rather than in bed with you
5.) Partner loses interest in activities normally done together
6.)partner starts to feel unappreciated
7.)partner starts to feel as though he/She can do nothing right
8.) Partner turns to drugs or alcohol to numb emotion, depression, hurt feelings
9.) Partner starts to seek out others for normal stress-free companionship/conversation
10.) Partner withdraws from you
11.)your partner becomes less attracted to you
12.)partner is drained of their self-confidence or starts to feel insecure
13.)Partner becomes hesitant or disinterested in sex with you
14.)depression/suicide (hopefully not)
15.) Partner describes being around you as “walking on eggshells”
Take into consideration that when a person has a stressor at every which way they turn, they will seek relief in NON-stressors, looking for some sense of peace,escape, happiness, etc.Non-stressors will become more apparent, more obvious, more desired whether the NON-stressors are negative or positive. For example, here are a few NON-STRESSORS:
-people who notice good things about them
-The female co-worker who always smiles and says “Good morning,John! How are you? Did you enjoy your day off?”
-The male co-worker at work who always notices how hard she works, compliments her new hairstyles and says, “Hey, I bet I can make you laugh, Kim. Listen to this joke! So, a priest walks into a bar, buys a beer-“
THE BEST TIME TO BRING UP AN ISSUE, IS AFTER THE ISSUE HAS HAPPENED. NOT THE NEXT DAY, NOT THE DAY AFTER. NOT AFTER YOU HAVE ALREADY RESOLVED THE ISSUE. SOLVE IT, DON’T DWELL ON IT, AND DON’T CYCLE AROUND INTO OTHER PAST ISSUES. GET THE RELEVANT ISSUE OUT OF THE WAY, FIND A SOLUTION, FORGIVE, AND BE DONE WITH IT, OR MOVE ON IF YOU CAN NOT RESOLVE IT.
Tip: Be the reason your partner is SMILING when he/She leaves your presence, and the reason he/She smiles when they return to your presence and vice versa.Be the highlight of your partner’s day.